Partnership.

The last few days, I feel a slight unease. It’s like my body is reacting to something that I can’t see. I was flipping through all the things that arise my fear response, my anxiety, my unease.  There are so many exciting things happening in life, this unease just seemed like it was from another time. Then it dawned on me, it is coming up on two years since I almost lost my partner, my best friend.

Two years ago, I was getting ready to drive to an art show over labor day weekend. Several days before I was going to leave, we thought Ari had hurt his leg working and so we were resting, icing, elevating. Ari was struggling to move normally. I remember arguing about whether I should stay home from this upcoming art show. I was frustrated – my self at that time was enmeshed with our business – not going to a show was me failing, not performing well enough, not to mention the money lost which was one of those childhood fears I was having trouble letting go of. With the help of a trusted therapist, we agreed that I would stay home and make sure that everything was ok with Ari.

The choice to stay home is the greatest decision I have ever made.

We continued to rest Ari’s leg, but after several more days, Ari stopped walking. He made the decision to go to the ER. Before either one of us knew what was happening, Ari was being rushed to a hospital in the city that could deal with the severity of his illness. Turns out Ari had blood clots all over his body. They had to remove the clots out of his lungs where they found very large fresh clots amongst many small old clots. He had been clotting his entire life. This time they got so big they almost killed him. Luckily, they were caught in time and he survived.

If I would have gone to that art show, I may have never seen Ari again. Just sitting here thinking about this, thinking back to what happened, my chest tightens, I can feel my pulse rise. I don’t think I was processing what we were going through while it was happening. We just needed to get through it, survive it. Up until this happened, I don’t think I’ve felt such sheer panic or fear. Now my body is remembering, feeling, processing the panic and fear, reflecting on what it all means.

So many things were put into perspective after going through this. The realization that because of my childhood behaviors, I almost went to that art show. Not going to the art show, not making the money, it all seems so inconsequential when I look back. I almost lost my whole world. The things that used to seem so important – making money, getting peoples approval, having a “perfect” booth, doing the “right” thing, working until I was burnt out, having my own private inner space – all those things are not what life is about, they are not as important as I made them. Spending time with those you love, being there for them through it all, doing the spontaneous thing, the scary thing, embracing joy, exploring, dreaming, taking the leap, laughing, growing, getting uncomfortable to get that growth – those are the important things in life. The things that make you pause, make you curious, make you passionate, those should be chased and explored.

We have shared 23 years of my life together, Ari and I. I have not always been the best partner. I have done my share of hurt, betrayal. I have not always put my own needs aside to be there. It’s these actions that I think about when Ari shows so much love, kindness, and support towards me despite it all. As I mend and heal my self, I realize how incredibly lucky I have been to have a partner by my side for over half my life. In these 23 years, I have never felt so much joy in companionship as I do now. Learning how to not respond from my old patterns and behaviors has been an uphill battle. Now that I am finally able to live life with my true self, look at my life from my new wiring, from a new perspective, I realize how much joy I have to gain from leaning on my partner.

What a gift it is to share a life with your best friend, the person who you continually dream with, the person who pushes you to be a better version of yourself every day.

We have so much good coming for us in our life and I cannot wait to continue to grow and love one another through all the coming chapters.

-Yuliya Wolf